Living with Loss by Jade, The Mindset Mumma

“I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat," were those five gut wrenching words. From the moment you hear them, your life changes forever.

I can sit here and categorically tell you that pre-baby loss me and “the right here, right now me” are two entirely different people. Pre-baby loss, I had an air of innocence, maybe even ignorance. As if it would never happen to me? Until it did... 

And more importantly, why wouldn’t it? 

Because that was the first question I asked myself: Why was this happening to me? What did I do wrong, and why my baby? 

I realised very quickly that no one is immune to baby loss, but I also learned that it wasn’t my fault. The latter took a little while to sink in. But on my heavier days, the logical part takes comfort in knowing that it wasn’t my fault and that there is nothing that I could have done to save him.

Because if love could save them, there wouldn’t be a need for this content, right? 

I get asked to write about how I cope with loss often, and every time I sit and revisit the subject, it’s a huge trigger for me. 

It transports me back to when it very first happened, and the overwhelming sadness hits me smack in the face again. Then I wonder if I’m really qualified to talk about coping with loss at all.

But this is what coping is? It’s living with a tremendously painful experience. Being randomly consumed by grief at the most unexpected of times. It’s sitting with those big, heavy feelings and then finding the inner strength to pull yourself through them and continue with your life. Every single day.

And if you're with me right now reading this, maybe you're fresh in the murky waters of baby loss or still here grieving years later. You are doing it. You are coping, and I need you to know that's a true testament to your courage and bravery. 

It’s hard to sit and talk through the magnitude and depth of emotions that come with losing a baby. But I describe it as only what I can imagine as the closest thing to torture. 

At the time we lost our son, I was feeling so many big emotions that I felt like someone was literally sitting on my shoulders, pushing me down. Some days, I could barely lift my head up. I was consumed by my own misery and heartbreak, and I was terrified that I’d never smile again. Everything felt so dark. 

My perspective on everything had changed. My trust in everyday things, people, and situations that had always been the norm for me no longer felt safe. I was anxious, and I didn’t recognize who I was.

But I remember someone telling me this. 

“You won’t feel this way forever; as time passes, you will catch yourself smiling. You may even feel a little guilty for it. But then that smile will eventually turn into a laugh. Before you know it, you’ll get your sunshine back. The pain doesn't get any less; we just get better at carrying it."

And they were right. I caught myself smiling again. I taught myself to lean into the things that felt good for me and fall back on the things that didn’t. I surrounded myself with people who loved me with no expectations, and I let myself feel it all.

That doesn't mean to say that the "griefy days" don't come knocking. They do, but we let them in, sit with them, and let ourselves feel through it all. Being so gentle with ourselves in the process.

While I would love to give you the magic answer to take the pain away that you’re feeling right now, I can’t. It doesn’t exist. But there is magic in you, and you have the power to heal yourself. 

Surround yourself with people who will come and sit down in the trenches with you. When you are living a version of yourself that may be hard to love, those people are your people, and they will help you find your sunshine again. 

Sending so much love to everyone who needs it right now.

Love Jade

(The Mindset Mumma)